Assault of the Party Nerds (1989)

If you listen really, really close, you can actually hear your brain cells die by the thousands while you watch this USA Up All Night 2 AM classic about four nerdy guys in the world’s lamest college fraternity who try to up their membership by throwing a wild party. Do I even have to tell you that there’s a rival fraternity of jocks who try to stand in their way? Of course not. Bubbly scream queens Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer help ease the pain as dumbbell sorority sisters who sometimes take off their tops. The scene where they walk in on their musclehead boyfriends, uh, experimenting with each other is a highlight.

Star Richard Gabai—as Richie, the coolest of the nerds—also directed and wrote the script, which kind of makes this film the Citizen Kane of micro-budget frat party sex romps. Actually, Gabai one-ups Orson Welles by also singing, playing guitar, and writing all of the songs for The Checks, the power pop band whose music starts up every two or three minutes here.