Portrait in Crystal (1983)

One of the great things about Hong Kong movies, and especially ones from The Shaw Brothers, is that when they throw reality out the window they really throw reality out the window. No one behaves or even moves like a normal person. This entertaining day-glo, flesh-ripping, skull-throwing, head-exploder from Infra-Man director Shan Hua scores big points on the Crazy Meter. It’s about a crystal statue that comes to life after a few drops of human blood get on it (old Chinese legend, so this movie says). Naturally it goes on a killing spree, leaving massacred bodies behind in high style. The creator of the statue goes after it along with some guys who have this cool new poison that makes a person’s stomach blow up and pop like a ghastly balloon in about 2.4 seconds. Along the way, they run into a crackpot cabal of dangerous women who have their own drama happening. It all culminates with a classic S&M naked lady torture scene and a battle with a guy whose sword sets things on fire. If you lose track of the plot about twenty minutes in, you’re not alone. Nobody really knows what’s going on here. That’s probably because nobody ever watches it sober.