The Legend of Billie Jean (1985)

The 80s were the peak for kiddie adventure movies and this little sleeper that critics dismissed and that audiences ignored might be the definitive one. It’s got everything. Let’s break it down:

1) The kids are on the run from the law.

The cops are after ’em. It’s all over the media. We’re talkin’ real rebels here.

2) They get famous from it.

Everybody’s talkin’ about ’em. They’re the center of attention.

3) They’re loved for it.

Helen Slater’s teenage fugitive becomes such a sensation that she inspires style trends and catchphrases. She’s a celebrity by accident and who doesn’t know how to deal with it.

4) The adults don’t get it.

The adults merely buy everything that they hear in the media about how Helen Slater and company are dangerous criminals, while the kids apply a little critical thinking and understand that there’s more to the story.

5) The kids are pretty.

It might be scientifically impossible for a heterosexual young man to see this movie and not crush out over the 19-year-old peaches-and-cream Helen Slater.

6) The kids are RIGHT.

Helen Slater and Christian Slater (no relation in real life, though they’re siblings in the movie) are NOT juvenile delinquents. They’re minding their own business when some much bigger bullies show up and hassle them. A 15-year-old pipsqueak Christian Slater throws a milkshake into the leader’s face. Then the creeps steal his motor scooter. And these are poor trailer park kids. That motor scooter means A LOT. When they get it back, it looks like it’s been used as a pinata in at least five birthday parties. It needs about $600 in 1985 money to repair. So, Helen and Christian go to collect it from the bully’s father’s junk shop. And the old man is willing to pay, but only after he gets a taste of Helen’s forbidden fruit. Next thing you know, the father gets shot and it looks real bad for our trailer park kids, so they take off and struggle to survive while they become outlaw legends. Helping them along is a whole underground network of supportive teens who cheer them on, give them rides and help them hide out.

7) It makes NO sense.

Not even a little bit.

In the world of this film, running from the law is the best thing that could ever happen to a kid. That’s how you find good friends. That’s how you find love. That’s how you find yourself.

Also, full-throated hitmaker Pat Benatar has your theme song all ready.

It’s entertaining stuff that also makes clever use of a Joan of Arc metaphor in the middle of its neon, pastels, young flesh and synthesizer score. Everyone’s great bad Texas accents (this is set in sweaty Corpus Christi, Texas, but stars a cast of non-Texans) only makes it more fun.