Month: July 2019

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #36: GUIDED BY VOICES / COBRA VERDE Split 7″

Guided by Voices/Cobra Verde
1997, Wabana Ore Limited

What, ANOTHER 7″? What year is this? 1994?

No, this is definitely 1997. There’s no mistaking this record for the Guided by Voices of ’94.

All of those guys were out and were replaced by an already-existing band who didn’t sound much like them. The newcomers were Cobra Verde outta Cleveland. Mean guys. City guys.

Old Guided by Voices had that small town thing happening. They were weirdos in the basement rocking while their neighbors slept.

By contrast, Cobra Verde hailed from urbanity and they kicked up the kind of confrontational roar that rises from street noise. Most of them had been in bands and put out records for as long Pollard had (a little longer, actually). They were seasoned and versatile, sometimes quiet, but often hard, mean and spiked with classic big balls 70s rock and a few splatters of punk. The also had a smokin’ lead guitarist (Doug Gillard).

In them, Robert Pollard heard the future of Guided by Voices.

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The Constant Bleeder Doesn’t Know Shit About Anime #3: BUBBLEGUM CRISIS episode 3, “Blow Up”

Another episode of Bubblegum Crisis, another story about the evil Genom corporation and how they have their dirty fingers lodged into every orifice of the dystopian Tokyo of 2032.

Another batch of hulking mecha-monsters who shoot up the streets of the city,  another excuse for the girls of The Knight Sabers to slip into their armored disguises (complete with quick cartoon nudity) and batter some metal.

Another bucket of blood, another terrific score loaded with synthesizers and blazing audio neon.

It’s also another strikingly cinematic affair that’s fun to watch if ultra-80s junk is your bag. Even if the storyline is murky, each episode is a neat cyberpunk smoke ring blown out in the night. We’re talkin’ miles of style.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #35: WISH IN ONE HAND

Guided by Voices
Wish in One Hand
1997, Jass Records

Two years before Ric Ocasek shined up “Teenage FBI” for mainstream radio, the song appeared on this small-press 7″ that only indie dorks and GBV fan mega-dweebs, such as myself, knew about.

Two years before “Teenage FBI” acquired synthesizers and glittery Doug Gillard guitar work, it was a skeletal minute-and-a-half piece of raw indie pop, barebones and dog-simple.

Two years before “Teenage FBI” was the first song on the slickest GBV album ever, it sounded like an Alien Lanes outtake.

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Things I Will Keep #15: BETTY BLOWTORCH, Are You Man Enough?

Betty Blowtorch
Are You Man Enough?
2001, Foodchain Records

I’m just your regular, everyday, Miller Lite-drinking, heterosexual guy who happens to have “Size Queen”, an anthem about big dicks, permanently stuck in his head.

It’s a nuclear-powered rock song from the greatest, raunchiest AC/DC album ever made by an all-girl band from Hollywood. I can turn it up in the car and not be embarrassed one tiny bit by lyrics such as “I want a man with man-size toys” and “Pull it out and I’ll be the judge/ I’ll let you know if you’re well-hung”.  That’s all fine with me. I’m not fragile. Get me drunk enough and I’ll even sing along with that shit. I don’t give a damn.

No, the thing that makes my asshole pucker is when a raucous and ready for action Vanilla Ice shows up for a quick guest spot during the bridge and throws out bon mots such “You know I got it all/ A long white dick almost ten inches tall!”

It’s not a moment for the faint for heart, but Betty Blowtorch doesn’t make music for wimps or critics. Their sole album is a monument to high-flying tastlessness. They miss the glory days of hair metal. They don’t understand why anyone would even want to make music that ISN’T about sex and good times and bad times on The Sunset Strip and settling old grudges. Betty Blowtorch pack humor, hooks, and attitude onto this album like a chick with DDs might fill out a Kiss tank-top that’s at least two sizes too small.  Vanilla Ice slips in neatly between Betty Blowtorch’s cleavage and plays a small part on one of my favorite rock records of all time.

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A Laurel and Hardy Party #9: BRATS

(1930; director: James Parrott)

Laurel and Hardy are the bumbling babysitters of two annoying toddlers and this is a great short because it doesn’t make the mistake that a lot of lesser comedies would make.

They didn’t hire cute kids to play the troublemakers. Cute kids don’t exist in Laurel & Hardy’s world of idiots and jerks.

They also didn’t hire kids who sorta look like jerks.

Nope, the Hal Roach crew did the right thing and had Stan and Ollie also play the toddlers, via gloriously primitive 1930 camera tricks. Roach and stalwart director James Parrott went to the trouble to make some oversized furniture for them, but they didn’t even try to make the boys look proportionate as 3-year-olds. They look like they got hit with the shrinking ray from Dr. Cyclops.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #34: FIREHOUSE MOUNTAIN

Nightwalker
“Firehouse Mountain”
1997, no label

Only a real asshole band would put out a one-sided 7″ with one song on it. They couldn’t cough up some piece of garbage for the B-side? B-sides are the place to put garbage. There are no rules for B-sides. B-sides can be anything. Not having a B-side on your 7″ feels like arrogance. I don’t think they’re saying that they don’t have anything for the B-side; I think they’re saying that YOU don’t deserve it. They WANT to let you down. You expected two songs? Fuck off, you’re getting one.

What kind of band does that? What kind of jerks are we dealing with here?

Ladies and germs, I give you Nightwalker.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #33: JELLYFISH REFLECTOR

Guided by Voices
Jellyfish Reflector
1996, no label

I don’t know exactly when this double live LP came out, so I’ll slide it in at the end of the year like I’ve done for most of the others. As with the band’s previous pseudo bootlegs, this didn’t have a formal release date. It wasn’t announced. It just appeared in the racks one day at some of your better vinyl-friendly record stores.

All I know for sure is that I bought it at Bill’s Records and Tapes in Richardson, TX in the summer of 1997 and that it blew my mind about a thousand feet skyward.

This was the first time that I ever heard how Guided by Voices sounded live.

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