Category: holidays

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Don’t Go Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I’m ashamed to say that I did that very thing two years ago. Best Buy had some Blu-rays and some computer bullshit that I wanted and that were all drastically marked down for their big Satanic sale that started at 5 PM on Thanksgiving. What would have normally cost me $800 instead amounted to about $6.95 at the big sale, I calculated.

So, I did bad. I made the villainous decision. I sold out one of my country’s most important holidays. I danced with the devil by the pale moonlight. I went to Best Buy on Thanksgiving evening.

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The Only Christmas Album That Matters

Tiny Tim
Tiny Tim’s Christmas Album
1995, Rounder Records

Lesser singers, such as Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Barbra Streisand have tried.

They’ve tried to conjure up a joyous holiday spirit while they wrap their pristine voices around some of the worst songs ever written. They’ve tried to make us feel good. They’ve tried to make us hold our loved ones a little closer. They’ve tried to make us think about Jesus while we’re on our fifth brandy eggnog.

They’ve tried and failed. At least for dirtbags like me who only like Christmas because it’s a day off from work—and shouldn’t us assholes be the REAL judge of what makes great Christmas music?

I think so. And you can trust me. I’ve only had three martinis tonight.

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My Kinda Holiday Movies #1: Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is coming and there’s nothing that we can do about that. Nobody likes it, but we still keep Valentine’s Day around for some reason. It’s the black jellybean of holidays. It’s the Jay Leno of holidays. Actually, it’s less a holiday than it is a billing date on which proof that you’re a good husband or boyfriend is due.

Even if you’re with a cool girl who says that she doesn’t care about Valentine’s Day, you’re gonna feel like a real tool if you don’t do ANYTHING. There’s a 100% chance that one of her friends has a stupid boyfriend who went all out with a truckload of roses and a $300 bottle of Chardonnay at Le Sacre Bleu, leaving you looking as useful as a bag of old banana peels by comparison. If you ever work in a restaurant on The Big Day, you see as many miserable couples as you do happy ones. It’s funny after awhile. For a day devoted to love, Valentine’s Day doesn’t get much of it.

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