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A Laurel and Hardy Party #6: THE HOOSE-GOW

(1929; director: James Parrott)

“Jason, how come you haven’t reviewed a Laurel and Hardy short since June?”

“Jason, where in living fuck are the Laurel and Hardy reviews?”

“Jason, what happened to your Laurel and Hardy review series? They’re the only thing that I liked on your stupid site!”

“Jason, your Laurel and Hardy reviews are the light of my life. Please bring them back.”

Absolutely no one has said any of the above to me, but I am still keenly aware that I’ve neglected this series for too many months now. What can I say? The dog ate my homework. New Year’s resolution: More Laurel and Hardy reviews. Or at least finally get to the second disc of the Essential Collection DVD box set.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #20: ALIEN LANES

Guided by Voices
Alien Lanes
1995, Matador Records

A part of Robert Pollard’s aesthetic that’s not often talked about is that he’s inspired by the world of record store bins. Endless miles of vinyl to flip through. Records that you’ve seen a million times. Records that you’ve never seen before in your life. Bad records, good records, weird records, records that you will never hear. Records that you wasted money on. Records that you would love if you heard them, but so far you haven’t bothered.

I think that Pollard, a devoted collector who still hits record stores all over the country when he’s on tour, imagines his own work in those bins and he considers it his job to put together something that catches the digger’s eye. He goes for mystery. He wants you to be curious about what the hell kinda record this is, whether you chance upon it in 1995 or 2045.

Thus the abstract collage art (Pollard’s own work) that doesn’t tell you much about the music. Thus the bizarre song titles. Thus the extra-long tracklists.

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I Listened to the Entire Leaked 12/16/18 Louis CK Comedy Set and Lived To Tell About It

If I could speak to Louis CK or Kevin Spacey (“Hi, Jason, Louis here. Love your review of Satan’s Sadists. Would you be interested in interviewing for me for your website?”), I guess I would have to ask them about where they stand on the accusations against them and do they feel any remorse and whatnot.

What REALLY interests me though is what the hell is life like for a very high-profile disgraced person? Someone who was BELOVED one day and then DESPISED the next day after some seedy revelations. What’s it like going out anywhere? Do you not leave the house for months? Do you still go to your favorite restaurant? Do they treat you differently? Who were the people who returned your phone calls and messages? Who didn’t? Do you wear a disguise when you go out? What’s traveling like? How’s your love life? How did you spend Christmas? Do you search your name on Twitter?

It’s not sympathy. It’s curiosity.

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Things I Will Keep #10: THE QUICK, Mondo Deco

The Quick
Mondo Deco
1976, Mercury Records

In 2005, I was a giant idiot, but I was smart enough to buy this.

In 2005, my financial situation was a smoldering wreck and my love life was even worse, but I was lucky enough at least to find The Quick’s first and only album for a cool $1.99 at Half Price Books.

In 2005, I was down-and-out and kicked-around and I knew that it was mostly my own fault, but…

Actually there is no but. When you’re feeling down-and-out is the PERFECT time to hear Mondo Deco. It’s sad and frustrated, too, while it also rocks so hard that it feels like you could point your stereo speakers at a wall and then blow a hole through it.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #19: BOX

Guided by Voices
Box
1995, Scat Records

To me, music is about more than just the sounds that come out of the speakers. There’s the sleeve art and presentation, sure, but for a weirdo like me it goes beyond even that. Permanently linked to the music that I love are things such as HOW I first heard about that music and WHERE I bought it.

I still remember those rare amazing thrift store scores from back when I was into that sort of thing. I have fond memories of record stores that closed fifteen years ago. I’ll never forget listening to the local indie/underground radio show on Sunday night in Dallas (The Adventure Club on the old KDGE) in the 90s and writing down the songs I liked so I could buy the album the next time I had $12 to spare.

All of that is a part of “the music” for me. I still think that flipping through record bins and making decisions based on intriguing covers and titles is the #1 best way to discover music. I’m not saying that you’ll strike gold every time, but it’s more fun and more crazy and it puts more original thoughts in your head than streaming Pitchfork’s latest list of picks that are carefully selected to make them look still relevant.

Music for me is partly about the hunt. It’s about running into the inexplicable and unexpected all on your own and taking a risk. That’s how I’ve always done it, at least.

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A DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER at the Richardson, TX Alamo Drafthouse,12/8/18

The best thing about Christmas is the day off from work.

The second best thing about Christmas are Christmas horror movies. I’m decrepit enough to remember when Silent Night, Deadly Night was a major media controversy, mostly for its poster that some felt was too disturbing for the kids of 1984 to see. At the time there were also very few Christmas horror movies (there was pretty much just Black Christmas and maybe Christmas Evil, when it came to what you could find at the video store back then). Exploitation filmmakers just didn’t go there often.

Whole different story today. Now, kids come out of the womb already jaded and no one bats an eye at a Santa slasher or a few severed heads rolling under the Christmas tree anymore–and we have about seven thousand holiday hack-’em-and-slash-’em flicks for your approval.

Where to start? The creeps at the Alamo Drafthouse in Richardson are here to help with their SECOND annual Christmas horror mini-marathon. My kinda holiday party.

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Robert Pollard-Mania! #18: KING SHIT AND THE GOLDEN BOYS

Guided by Voices
King Shit and the Golden Boys
1995, Scat Records

In 1995, the fourth weirdest thing about Guided by Voices was that they put out a great album last year that got attention from high places even though it sounded to most people like it was made on a Fisher-Price cassette recorder.

The third weirdest thing was that they were in their late 30s in an indie rock scene full of 25-year-olds.

The second weirdest thing was that Guided by Voices had already made a pile of records going back to 1986 and most of which nobody–not even the hippest, most annoying, know-it-all record collector jerk-off you knew–had ever heard about. That’s not even mentioning the blizzard of 7″ EPs in 1994, of which not many people in 1995 had a complete collection.

And the weirdest thing of all was that on top of the nearly fifty songs that the band put out the previous year (and their forthcoming new album in the spring), the band still had more great unreleased stuff, enough to fill a whole other LP.

They called that LP King Shit and the Golden Boys. 

Sounds like a masterpiece to me.

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Things I Will Keep #9: BOBBIE GENTRY, Local Gentry

Bobbie Gentry
Local Gentry
1968, Capitol Records

As a man whose life is a perpetual mess, I’m drawn to things that are neat and tidy. There’s a memorable anecdote in Anthony Bourdain’s book Kitchen Confidential in which the young Bourdain, still learning the ropes of the restaurant life, witnesses a head chef jump on a line cook’s ass for keeping a dirty work area. The chef points out the refuse and splattered sauce everywhere and tells the guy “That’s what the inside of your head looks like now. Work clean”.

“A messy station equals a messy mind,” Bourdain goes on to clarify.

I couldn’t agree more. In some of the most misguided times in my life, I was also a giant slob. Messy car, messy home. A sloth with no discipline. My surroundings reflected that. Your home and the space where you work are mirrors of your own mind. If it’s fucked up, you’re fucked up. Take the time to clean and organize and, in my experience, your mental clarity benefits as a result.

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Don’t Go Shopping on Thanksgiving Day

I’m ashamed to say that I did that very thing two years ago. Best Buy had some Blu-rays and some computer bullshit that I wanted and that were all drastically marked down for their big Satanic sale that started at 5 PM on Thanksgiving. What would have normally cost me $800 instead amounted to about $6.95 at the big sale, I calculated.

So, I did bad. I made the villainous decision. I sold out one of my country’s most important holidays. I danced with the devil by the pale moonlight. I went to Best Buy on Thanksgiving evening.

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