Tag: Things I Will Keep

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Things I Will Keep #15: BETTY BLOWTORCH, Are You Man Enough?

Betty Blowtorch
Are You Man Enough?
2001, Foodchain Records

I’m just your regular, everyday, Miller Lite-drinking, heterosexual guy who happens to have “Size Queen”, an anthem about big dicks, permanently stuck in his head.

It’s a nuclear-powered rock song from the greatest, raunchiest AC/DC album ever made by an all-girl band from Hollywood. I can turn it up in the car and not be embarrassed one tiny bit by lyrics such as “I want a man with man-size toys” and “Pull it out and I’ll be the judge/ I’ll let you know if you’re well-hung”.  That’s all fine with me. I’m not fragile. Get me drunk enough and I’ll even sing along with that shit. I don’t give a damn.

No, the thing that makes my asshole pucker is when a raucous and ready for action Vanilla Ice shows up for a quick guest spot during the bridge and throws out bon mots such “You know I got it all/ A long white dick almost ten inches tall!”

It’s not a moment for the faint for heart, but Betty Blowtorch doesn’t make music for wimps or critics. Their sole album is a monument to high-flying tastlessness. They miss the glory days of hair metal. They don’t understand why anyone would even want to make music that ISN’T about sex and good times and bad times on The Sunset Strip and settling old grudges. Betty Blowtorch pack humor, hooks, and attitude onto this album like a chick with DDs might fill out a Kiss tank-top that’s at least two sizes too small.  Vanilla Ice slips in neatly between Betty Blowtorch’s cleavage and plays a small part on one of my favorite rock records of all time.

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Things I Will Keep #14: THE MONKEES, Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn & Jones Ltd.

The Monkees
Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, Capricorn & Jones, Ltd. LP
1967, Colgems

Guilty pleasures are the best. I love everything about guilty pleasures. That’s why I have about 9,000 of them. Meanwhile, some others outright hate the very expression. “Why should I feel guilty about the things I like?” goes the usual argument. They seem to interpret it as a feeling of shame and ostracism, best avoided. In spirit, I agree, but I still think these people are all mixed up.

Guilt is an exciting emotion and I prefer to savor it.

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Things I Will Keep #13: TOBIN SPROUT, Carnival Boy

Tobin Sprout
Carnival Boy
1996, Matador Records

I’m one of those goofballs whose favorite Beatle is George. Also, my favorite Beatle solo album of the early years after the big break-up is Harrison’s All Things Must Pass. Sure, it’s not perfect. It’s a triple-album set and, like most people of good stock, I ignore the “Apple Jam” instrumental garbage on the third LP. And “I Dig Love” might be the worst song ever written. And I don’t know why the hell Harrison figured that we need two versions of “Isn’t It a Pity?”.

The headline though is that it’s the work of the underdog guy in the band now doing his own thing and killing it. The highs of All Things Must Pass reach such peaks that they can lead a guy to forget the low points.

One also imagines that All Things Must Pass is a stockpile of songs that got left off of Beatles records. Great stuff that might have fit right in, but never got the chance.

That’s part of the appeal of Tobin Sprout’s first solo LP outside of Guided by Voices, but with a difference.

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Things I Will Keep #12: TANGERINE DREAM, Thief (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Tangerine Dream
THIEF
1981, Elektra/Asylum

When director Michael Mann decided that his first feature would be the story of a burned-out career criminal on the mean streets of Chicago, he somehow figured that German progressive instrumental group Tangerine Dream were the perfect ones to score it.

Thief is a story that we’ve seen before. Chicago is a setting that we’ve seen before. But this time, it was going to be a bleak, but day-glo, dream in a luminous night world and a new take on noir for the 1980s.  It would be gritty and grimy, but also oddly beautiful. Its style wouldn’t be outlandish; rather, it would be a kind of hyper-reality. Every last light bulb and every shadow would be as vital as the pages of the script.

And it would all move to the zero-gravity swirl of Edgar Froese and company’s synthesizers.

It’s been a controversial decision ever since.

The Golden Raspberry Awards (the informal, smarmy anti-Oscars) nominated it as the Worst Music Score of 1981.

Even Michael Mann himself has said in recent years that he’s still not sure if he made the right choice when it came to the music (see the supplements on the Criterion Collection disc of the film).

Meanwhile, here I am still taking this album’s ride in 2019 to places far out where none of that matters.

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Things I Will Keep #11: MEN WITHOUT HATS, Pop Goes the World

Men Without Hats
Pop Goes the World
1987, Mercury Records

This Things I Will Keep series is missing something and I think I know what it is. Other than a better writer, I mean.

So far, we’ve hung out in the thrift store bins and we’ve knocked the dust off some cool old stuff. We’ve gone glam. We’ve gone R&B. We’ve gone psychobilly. We’ve praised the goddess Bobbie Gentry. We’ve reached out to the misfit soul of Tiny Tim. We’ve reached out to the misfit psychedelic soul of The Negro Problem. We’ve loved both seasoned veterans who just want to chill out and we’ve loved hungry and dangerous young bands.

But I’ve yet to talk about anything that is truly and completely, unequivocably and absolutely 250% UNCOOL. I’ve been a little shy with you, I think. (Some might say that Tiny Tim is certifiably uncool, but I disagree.)

That ends here. It’s time to stop pulling punches. It’s time to finally reveal what a wimp I really am. It’s time to admit to the world that I am a walking bowl of egg noodles.

It’s time to say that I think that Pop Goes the World by Men Without Hats is a masterpiece and it’s one of my all-time favorite albums and I’ve been obsessed with it for almost twenty years.

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Things I Will Keep #10: THE QUICK, Mondo Deco

The Quick
Mondo Deco
1976, Mercury Records

In 2005, I was a giant idiot, but I was smart enough to buy this.

In 2005, my financial situation was a smoldering wreck and my love life was even worse, but I was lucky enough at least to find The Quick’s first and only album for a cool $1.99 at Half Price Books.

In 2005, I was down-and-out and kicked-around and I knew that it was mostly my own fault, but…

Actually there is no but. When you’re feeling down-and-out is the PERFECT time to hear Mondo Deco. It’s sad and frustrated, too, while it also rocks so hard that it feels like you could point your stereo speakers at a wall and then blow a hole through it.

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Things I Will Keep #9: BOBBIE GENTRY, Local Gentry

Bobbie Gentry
Local Gentry
1968, Capitol Records

As a man whose life is a perpetual mess, I’m drawn to things that are neat and tidy. There’s a memorable anecdote in Anthony Bourdain’s book Kitchen Confidential in which the young Bourdain, still learning the ropes of the restaurant life, witnesses a head chef jump on a line cook’s ass for keeping a dirty work area. The chef points out the refuse and splattered sauce everywhere and tells the guy “That’s what the inside of your head looks like now. Work clean”.

“A messy station equals a messy mind,” Bourdain goes on to clarify.

I couldn’t agree more. In some of the most misguided times in my life, I was also a giant slob. Messy car, messy home. A sloth with no discipline. My surroundings reflected that. Your home and the space where you work are mirrors of your own mind. If it’s fucked up, you’re fucked up. Take the time to clean and organize and, in my experience, your mental clarity benefits as a result.

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Things I Will Keep #8: THE CRAMPS, Psychedelic Jungle

The Cramps
Psychedelic Jungle
1981, IRS Records

I fucked up Halloween this year. Past Octobers for me have been blizzards of horror movie watching and reviewing. A little Bela Lugosi on Tuesday, a little Peter Cushing on Wednesday, something from the Netflix junk heap on Thursday and so on. I also always get in at least one silent movie, one Hammer film, one slasher, something from the 60s drive-in, and a little 70s Eurotrash vampire lesbian action.  Here in Dallas, we also have great theaters with horror repertory screenings every week and I’m known to hit several of those and write about each and every goddamn one.

This year though, not so much–and I’m not even sure why. I’ve hardly watched any movies at all. Has writing posts here and playing with my recently adopted cats really taken up THAT much of my time? Maybe.

I’ll do better next year.

As for what I have done this month in the spirit of the season, I’ve been picking at H.P. Lovecraft stories, via the Whisperer in Darkness collection, by the bedside lamp at night and enjoying the oozy, creepy atmosphere. Dismember the Alamo was fun.

And I’ve been listening to The Cramps and making my quiet little old lady living room sound like a much cooler, more dangerous place.

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Things I Will Keep #6: MILLER, “Baby, I Got News for You”

Miller
Baby I Got News for You b/w The Girl With the Castle
1965, Columbia

Herman Melville once wrote “To produce a mighty book, you must choose a mighty theme. No great and enduring volume can ever be written on the flea, though many there be that have tried it.”

Melville died in 1891, well before rock ‘n’ roll and well before we figured out that, yeah, you can write something great on the flea as long as it rocks.

Enter Miller’s “Baby, I Got News for You”, a song so dumb that I must lose a hundred brain cells every time I hear it. Each spin of this 45 is a fresh concussion and I love it. It might be my favorite rock single of all time, or at least it has an easy spot in my top 10.

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